Assyriana, starring George Clooney

Well not really, but otherwise it might not have that much glamour...at first.

On closer inspection the Assyrians are pretty durned fascinating -- bad-ass, curly-bearded dudes in embroidered dresses.
Assyria, or 'Ashur', as they knew it, incorporated parts of modern Iraq, Syria and Turkey. They were so proud of their unspeakably horrible war crimes that they made huge stone tablets (steles) detailing the inventive tortures (hooking lips, lopping hands and other members....). Not only that, they had a reputation for oppressing women (keep in mind that this was the ANCIENT WORLD, folks! Your man-on-the-street was an opinionated thug who kept his womenfolk locked in a dark room). The king kept a harem of women attended by eunuchs, and all the princes were castrated to keep them from spoiling the regal brood.

But do not think that they were mere thugs! No. For lo, apparently they invented many systems still used today. Locks! Flush toilets! The post! Plus they wore those cool pointy-toed shoes that curl up at the ends. And they crafted some amazing jewellery, like an elaborate golden crown featuring the distinctive winged-bull figure.

A queen's jewellery was found in a tomb, along with a stone tablet inscribed with a curse severely admonishing potential grave-robbers.

They even had their own alphabet and epic, Gilgamesh, which I now desperately want to read. What's more, they have left boastful inscriptions with interesting details such as scorpions and death-penalty procedures.

Yay for the cold-blooded killers! May they rest in peace.